a Love Letter...

i wrote this last year...i think it captures the essence of everything that needed to be said at that time...but life goes on, yaknow?

when i wrote this, i didn't send it...it was more of a way to just put down why i felt the way i felt...how i felt...to articulate things that i couldn't say...but then, i ended up sending it to Mysterious about 3 or 4 weeks later when i was tipsy...and i'm not even gonna tell you what the response was...it was just interesting cuz none of the things i wrote about were addressed...

I never thought that I would be tossing and turning late at night, t-shirt slightly moist from sweat, unable to sleep because you keep popping in my head. The truth is I kept trying to blame you solely for the reasons our relationship didn’t become what it could have. But this night, I realize that I am artially to blame as well. You are to blame because you feared love in me. I am to blame because I allowed myself to fall in love with you without defining lines before our emotions were too attached to each other.

A year ago, in September, I never thought that I would long for you as much as I do but shit happens and I fully realize that what happened between us transcends all boundaries of ordinary love. Damn, in September 2002, I didn’t even know you and now, November of 2003, the only one on my mind is you Love – and I miss you.

Dear Love, when you told me after months of interactions and flirtations and gazes and smiles that I was unequivocally crazy to think you loved me, or even liked me in any regard romantic, you crushed me. I went away believing that you lied to me but finally gave in to what seemed to be the truth – that what I felt for you wasn’t reciprocal. Then we became cordial once again after a period of not speaking with each other because I was too hurt to hear your voice. Then you informed me candidly that you didn’t want me to be around you because you didn’t need any distractions and I was definitely a distraction for you. How the hell is someone that you don’t have any romantic feelings for a distraction?

I’ve learned that we were both confused by our communion. I call you Love because that’s what you are and that’s what we do and that’s what we have. Ours was never a physically based relationship. Not in the typical sense of the word, at least. Our physical was defined by sitting close to each other – really close, but not really touching. Our physical was found in eyes, the movement of our mouths, the scents of you and me intermingling – doing what we never did – make love to each other.

But I know dear Love that what we had and have is nothing less than the strongest love, even in our separation physically, emotionally and mentally. You need time to figure out that you really will only be happy with me. You want my arms to hold you at night no matter how much your mind fights it, your heart knows it is truth. Our love is stronger than most because we never needed the physical to validate our feelings. We only needed location and voice and time with each other.

Love, I know now that the love I had for you was and is reciprocal but you choose to represent it differently from me, which is frustrating. I cannot understand the intricacies of what we have. Love is spiritual to me – something that meets on a plane much higher than our temporal body-physical
realm.

This connection we had is how I knew you would call every Thursday at around 6pm to see where I was although you knew the answer to the question. This connection is what allowed us to spend countless hours together without watching the clock – without caring about anything else in the world. This
connection is what made me smile even when I was mad as hell with you. It is the reason we could walk around late at night and talk about nothing and follow up on the phone or the internet with more rambling about happiness, sadness and love.

Although we spend no time together these days, largely because of your fear, I still know that you love me stronger and harder now than you did before because I love you all the more. Indeed, fear is what is keeping us apart. You feared falling so hard in love with me that you shunned the very idea. You tried to forget me but it isn’t possible. We are connected so much that there is no way to forget me. I am not one of your acquaintances or friends that you have met along your life’s journey. I am much more – I am the first true love you had and have. You can fight it but we both know the truth, unspoken though it may be.

As you have told me, this year has been an up and down ride for the both of us and we are both better people for it but we have not attained the level of that we can be because we are not finished with each other. We met in spirit and our souls are making what our bodies await. I become sick to the stomach when you are not well. My voice is ingrained in your psyche and your touch is what I taste. Instead of fighting the urge to be with me, acquiesce and find the greatest joy you’ve ever had.

it's just very interesting to realize that i was in love last year...not that bullshittish type of infatuation...it's just crazy...to know the emotions can do all that they do...to know that you can be so close with someone and then become so distanced...it makes me really wary of relationships now...i'm very cynical these days...i'm very "guarded" so to speak...but it's the only thing i know how to do right now...

reading this, it's kinda gangsta...to send this to someone...it's like...bam...this is everything...out there...and funny thing is that i'm usually not this bold when it comes to relationship things...but i needed to put it out there...i kinda forgot the intensity of this message until i reread it this evening...and it just makes for interesting thoughts to realize that even after all of this, Mys is still reaching out to me...all under the guise of "i never felt that way about you..."

reading this, it's kinda gangsta...to send this to someone...it's like...bam...this is everything...out there...and funny thing is that i'm usually not this bold when it comes to relationship things...but i needed to put it out there...i kinda forgot the intensity of this message until i reread it this evening...and it just makes for interesting thoughts to realize that even after all of this, Mys is still reaching out to me...all under the guise of "i never felt that way about you..."