Psalm of David - a Novel

here's a chapter from my novel Psalm of David ... it deals with the death and funeral of David's mother in the story...

Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
For the Bible tells me so


The last time I went to see quiet mama in the hospital she was more sickly than I had ever seen her before in my life.She had tubes coming out of every part of her body – her nose, her arms, attached to her hands too.She looked very weak – she had thinned so much.She was a rather hefty woman because she was pregnant with Rory but after giving birth, lost a lot of the weight but didn’t look healthy at all.The vibrant mama I knew was now cloaked in sickness.The days leading up to her passing were hard on everyone.

Her once gleaming smooth skin was now ashy and worn.It’s as if she aged years within the span of a couple of weeks.Grandpa never concerned himself with going to see her.Maybe he thought birth complications were well deserved for a woman like her.And quiet mama’s father had died many years before that but her mother was still alive and kicking at that time.She made her way up to New Jersey to see about her daughter, spending the days alternating with old daddy in the hospital.Grandma Ruby was a darling old woman.She was about five feet even, very dark skinned but had the whitest teeth you can imagine.Although she was about seventy years old (no one ever really knew), her skin was smooth and had no blemishes.She looked well under her real age.

Initially, quiet mama was fatigued and wasn’t able to talk much but her body was giving way under her.After about a month in the hospital and no real recovery in sight, she began to slip in and out of consciousness.Everyone was visiting and praying and talking about her situation and how sad it was.Even the women from church that were treating quiet mama like dirt were coming around the house, cooking dinner for us kids and daddy, giving us baths and Ms. Jones helped us with our homework.Quiet mama didn’t deserve the amount of physical pain her body was going through.

Imagine everyone’s surprise when, after about two weeks of not being conscious at all, living off of machines and prayers, quiet mama awoke when the nurse was in her room.Apparently, she wanted to see me and only me.Grandma Ruby was in the hospital waiting room and the nurse ran to get her but when she came back, quiet mama was saying, “Where’s DJ?I want to see DJ.Bring him to me now.”They tried to calm her and although she saw her mother, she looked straight past her and kept requesting me to come and see her.

They called old daddy and told him to bring me to the hospital and very quickly.So he took me to see her and he was in the room with me but she told him to leave.She only wanted to talk to me.I can still remember the first song that quiet mama taught me when I was two or three years old – Jesus Loves Me.

Quiet mama mustered enough strength to ask me, “Sing that song to me baby.You know, Jesus loves me.”I didn’t want to sing it because I hadn’t sung it since a very young child but consented because it made no sense arguing with her.

I began to sing the song more heartily and with an emotion that I never sang with before that day.It seemed like I tried to take all the pain I saw quiet mama in and reflect it in the fervor in which I sang for and to her.She began witnessing to the song with her amen’s and I-love-you-lord’s and hallelujah’s.

The more I sang, the stronger she became and the more life ran through her body.She began singing with me for about three choruses weaker than the days of my childhood but much stronger that anyone would have thought imaginable.We were singing rather loudly, the door was open and my eyes were closed.When we finished singing, I opened my eyes to see old daddy, Grandma Ruby, two of the nurses and some of the church members standing in the room and at the door just looking at us.“Ya’ll keep on singing,” Grandma Ruby requested.

So we continued to sing – not the verse, just the chorus over and over again.More folks started gathering at the door just to hear me and quiet mama harmonize.There were about twenty people standing around either inside or directly outside of the room.Everyone was crying and hugging on each other witnessing to the song like quiet mama did.A couple of the church folks, even some we’d never seen or met before, were speaking in tongues and quickening too.The more I sang, the more tears began to form in my eyes.I didn’t understand the enormity of the situation since I was only thirteen years old.

My body felt warm and tingly.I felt a presence of God in that hospital on that day like I had never experienced God before.It was like I could touch God with my hands.The room was almost hazy with emotion and song.The folks were just humming, smiling, frowning (with their holy faces) and crying, all at amazement of quiet mama’s seeming quick recovery.

Grandma Ruby had tears in her eyes much like quiet mama did.Old daddy told everyone to form a circle around quiet mama and to hold hands.He began to pray to God asking for quiet mama’s health.

“Lord.We thank you for giving strength back to Elizabeth.Lord, please bring her out of this hospital and back to our lives.Lord, please give her all of her strength back.Yes, you do love us and show your love on us all by bringing her back to us safely.Let the pain go away.In your name we pray, Amen.”While old daddy was praying the women of the church and Grandma Ruby were speaking in tongues and marching around the room.They began letting go of hands so that some could dance and others shout, others still wailing very loudly.All the while, quiet mama kept saying, “If it be your will Lord….if it be your will Lord.”Maybe she didn’t want to get better; maybe she didn’t want to return home to her life.

Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
For the Bible tells me so

I sang at quiet mama’s funeral although I could barely make it through to the end of the song without choking up.I kept stopping, the organist kept stopping and the congregation kept encouraging me to finish the song.But how was I supposed to sing about Jesus loving my family or me when He didn’t take care of quiet mama?Why would Jesus leave us kids with old daddy to fend for ourselves – now with no one to defend us ever?Although quiet mama was victim of attacks from old daddy, she frustrated many of his attacks on us.

I felt like I was singing a lie.Jesus didn’t love me.Jesus didn’t love my brothers or sister either.If He did, Rory wouldn’t have to grow up motherless.Old daddy didn’t love us either.I was looking for a type of love that I hadn’t experienced yet.Singing at the funeral, I didn’t feel the same presence of God that I felt in the hospital room that day.Quiet mama died a couple of hours after my visit to the hospital.We were all stunned because we returned home to rest.Both old daddy and Grandma Ruby left the hospital thinking that quiet mama would be returning home soon – all of her vital signs were improving when we sang and very rapidly so.But after we left, she had a seizure, fell unconscious again and died.But the nurse told us that she said one thing before she left for good, “Learn to love.”With that, she was gone.

It’s like God came to visit us and spend time with us but left quickly.I struggled to find any trace of Him for a long time after that.God became silent in my life.Or maybe I just didn’t know how to hear what God was saying.

Does Jesus love me
Does Jesus love me
Does Jesus love me
The Bible tells me so

But I’m not so sure
Quiet mama gone…dead
Old daddy alive…
living…
killing still
Hurting and
Wanting and
Longing for touch
And songs of quiet mama…
Does Jesus love me
Or…
Does Jesus love us
Or…
Yes, Jesus loves me
But I’m not so sure today